On a sweltering August night in the city of Salamanca, Spain, the personal wine cellar beneath the home of master vintner Diego Montenegro Santo-Dominguez Cipriano Vasquez glowed blue-green as an alien creature materialized amongst the racks and bottles. The extraterrestrial’s name was unpronounceable by humans, but roughly translated to Bob in English.
“I have arrived on Earth, Captain,” Bob whispered into his communicator.
“Have you encountered any Earthlings?” the captain asked from a ship hovering in a distant quadrant of the universe.
“I am surrounded by them.”
“What do they look like?”
Frowns creased all three of Bob’s foreheads as he surveyed the wine bottles. “Earthlings are nothing as we imagined, Sir. They are liquid entities encased by rigid exoskeletons. Earthlings are cylindrical in shape with a thin neck topped by a single eye. They have no apparent mode of locomotion, respiration or reproduction.”
“Fascinating,” the captain replied. “Do they show any signs of aggression?”
“None, sir. They appear to be sleeping in specialized beds designed to cradle their delicate necks.”
“How many are there?”
“An army,” the captain mused. “Apply the paralyzer before you approach in case they awaken.” Bob did so, though he sensed no danger.
“Done, Sir. Permission to examine an Earthling more closely?”
Bob wrapped a tentacle around the neck of the nearest bottle. He lifted it from its cradle but it slipped and shattered on the tiled floor. A deep red pool of wine spread out around the shards of broken glass.
“I have killed the Earthling, Captain. Its exoskeleton is quite fragile, apparently. Let me attempt another.”
“Before you waste any more time, taste it. No sense continuing the mission if Earthlings are not edible.”
Bob extended a proboscis from one of his thirteen mouths and sipped at the spilled wine. Then he took a second taste. And a third. He was taking his fourth when the captain interrupted.
“Well, are Earthlings edible? What do they taste like?”
“The answer is complicated, Sir.”
Bob chose his words carefully. “First, I would have to say that Earthlings have a robust plum bouquet, some sweetness but not over-heady. They are drier on the second nose with clean, berry flavors on the palate, a hint of nutmeg and just a touch of graphite. Earthlings have superb structure, good balance and a long, dry finish, Sir.”
“Any nutritional value?” the captain asked.
“Negligible, but there is a secondary effect to the consumption of Earthlings.”
“What is it?”
“Earthlings make me tingle, Sir.”
The next evening, just before his sixty-ninth birthday fiesta, a handsome, tanned and happy man whistled as he descended a flight of stone stairs and flipped on a light. His eyes went wide and his face went gray, he muttered a prayer and fainted dead away. His precious babies had been kidnapped! The personal wine cellar of master vintner Diego Montenegro Santo-Dominguez Cipriano Vasquez stood completely empty.
Wylde Abandyn 2017
Please click any of the links below for more information about wine tours in Spain. If you meet any extraterrestrials along the way, be sure to share your favorite vintage with them!